


13x1 Lost and Found

by Caffeine_Chaos243



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x1 Lost and Found, 13x1coda, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Depressed Dean, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Fix It Fic, Fix-It, Lost and Found, M/M, Why Wasn't This Canon Dammit, fixed it, season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 03:37:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12356640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffeine_Chaos243/pseuds/Caffeine_Chaos243
Summary: Dean struggles with Cas's death more than he lets on. Being in the bunker makes it harder to keep up his mask. When he finally loses his composure he is consoled by the one person he never imagined would be there.





	13x1 Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> I had such a whirlwind of emotion swirling around my chest after I watched this episode tonight. Since I couldn't physically hug Dean like I wanted to, I did this instead.

                The sun had long since set. They had made good time home, to the bunker. The smell of smoke from the pyre clung to Dean despite the shower he had forced himself into, so he rubbed at his nose to try and clear it. After the shower he had dressed in a tshirt and jeans, knowing he probably wouldn’t last the night in the bunker. Sam had shepherded Jack off to a room hours ago, and one look from Dean had ensured it wasn’t Cas’s. Dean quietly strode through the Bunker, feeling an internal emptiness that hadn’t been there in a long time. The Bunker felt emptier too.

                A noise from one of the rooms caught his ear as he padded by.  _I’ll go get Sam to deal with…it._  Dean turned away from the door, knowing Sam was probably fast asleep but not caring. Before he could leave the hall, the door opened behind him and Jack called out.

                “Dean I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with these.” He said. Dean closed his eyes at the immediate tension that flooded his body.

                “With what, Jack?” He asked tersely.

                “Pajamas? Why do I have to change to sleep? Do I need to sleep? I don’t feel tired right now. I want more nougat.”

                Dean sighed heavily and turned around to find Jack standing with a pair of plaid pajama pants in one hand and a shirt of Sam’s in another. His brow was furrowed and head cocked slightly and Dean had to clear his throat to keep the sudden tightness from cutting off his air. He looked so innocent. He looked like Cas. _This is how Lucifer gets you. Making the kid likeable._

                “You change because they’re more comfortable. Just…” Dean lifted his hand and motioned at Jack. “Just put them on.”

                Jack nodded and clenched the clothing in his fists, still looking unsure. Dean turned back around and started walking away, only to be stopped again. “Dean?”

                “What.”

                “When you said that Chuck, God, brought back Castiel, how did he do that?”

                Dean turned around slowly, his heart slowing and speeding simultaneously. “Why?”

                “Well I can…feel him.” Jack’s lips lifted slightly as he stared at Dean with a creased brow.

                “Like he’s here? Like a ghost?” Dean glanced around, feeling annoyed that Cas would haunt him and not show himself.

                “No. More like…I can feel the part of him that I connected to when I chose him. He’s okay, Dean.”                          

                Dean stared at Jack. At this….creature he had failed to keep out of the world. That he had failed to kill. That had killed Kelly and Mom. Cas.  His body hurt from all that had happened over the last few days. His mind hurt. His heart hurt, dammit.

                Dean’s voice was rough when he finally spoke. “Can you bring him back?”

                Jack looked around after making a face. “I do not know how to. That’s why I asked how Chuck did it.”

                “He just…pieced him back together. He- He just did it.” Dean snapped. Jack frowned at him and Dean was suddenly back on thin ice. Jack was dangerous, and he needed to remember that.

                “I’m… Just. Put the clothes on. Lay in your bed. Sam is in his room if you need him.” Dean turned and strode away. He walked to his room and let the door slam behind him. He stood there for a few minutes before he began pacing. His heart was still beating weird.  _I can feel him._  Jack’s optimistic voice ricocheted around Dean’s mind.

                “ _Ugh_!” Dean groaned through gritted teeth as he spun and swung his fist towards the door. Dull pain blossomed throughout his fist as the dried blood was replaced with new. He shook his hand once and turned around so he could angrily stride the length of his room.

                It wasn’t until he wiped at his running nose that he realized how badly his hand was bleeding. He wiped away the smear of blood on his face and stopped pacing as he looked at the door and slowly let his gaze lose focus as his thoughts wandered.

                 _Cas, I know I keep talking. But Jack said he could feel you. Please, man….I need you. I need you back. Please just answer me. Please?_

 _The mental image of Cas smiling over a book at Dean as Dean entered the library popped into his mind, and he angrily shoved it away._ Dean closed his eyes and started to wipe his face again but caught himself as he felt a line of blood roll across his hand. He clenched his fist, then his jaw at the sharp pain that his hand was screaming about. He looked over for the time, figuring it late as hell, but his clock was no longer on the wall. He’d taken it down to replace the battery but Ca….Cas had interrupted him.  _God that was a lifetime ago._  Dean needed to get out of his room.

                He walked to the bathroom. Bathroom was a good option. He stood over the sink and stared down, his thoughts not coherent enough to take action. The memory of Cas battling the busted water pipe slammed into Dean so hard he literally staggered back a step. His breathing hitched but he fought it. He fought it so damn hard, but it won. With a too-loud sob in the stillness of the bathroom Dean scrunched his eyes closed so the image of Cas calling for help as he futilely tried to keep the water from hitting his face would disappear.

                Dean felt each of the proceeding sobs roll upwards from his abdomen and through his chest before hitching as his breathing caught and the sound escaped. The cut under his eye stung as tears rolled over it. The bathroom was so small and lonely and the panic tightening its hold on his chest made it hard to inhale.  He lurched back to the sink and leaned on it heavily, barely feeling the coolness under his clenched hands as he struggled to breathe through the sobs.

                He slowly calmed until his breathing was heavy but no longer painful. He was so exhausted.  He let his tears fall into the sink but he kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t face the world. He couldn’t face Sam. Or Jack. He didn’t want to deal with any of it.  _A fucking angel blade. It was an angel blade. He won’t come back from that. Jack is barely older than a day, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. I burned him. He’s gone._

Dean fumbled across the sink for the faucet and turned it on full blast to drown out the silence of the bathroom and the sound of his failure. He sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his shaking hand before shoving both hands under the faucet. He rested his forearms on the edge of the sink as the water ran over his bloodied knuckles. His head hung as he stood on weak legs, trying to remain upright as he struggled to think about anything. The icy water numbed his hands and gave him something to focus on as he stood there as minutes passed.

                A soft sigh sounded from beside him and through his muddled thoughts he struggled to find something to say to Jack that would make him go away without putting Dean in danger. Warm hands appeared over Dean’s and all of the  _personal space_  conversations came to mind in a rush. Dean felt his jaw quiver.

                “Dean…”

                Dean froze at the sound of worry in Cas’s voice. At Cas’s voice.  _I haven’t had that much to drink. I didn’t pass out. This hurts too much for me-_

“You are awake, Dean.” Cas said again. Dean drew in quick, short breaths as he tried to make sense of the voice and the touch on his hands, the long fingers that were slowly wiping away blood with the cold water. Dean couldn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t face Cas not actually being there.

                The grip on his hands tightened before pulling them out of the water, and the water turned off. The silence of the bathroom should have crashed into Dean but all he could hear was the sound of his uneven breathing and the steady breathing that matched the warm breaths puffing against his face. A towel appeared against his numb hands and patted them dry. Another sigh was followed with the water faucet squeaking on and off. The cold touch of a towel on his face startled him and he pulled back a little as his eyes opened involuntarily.

                He had to blink several times to clear his eyes of the lingering tears that blurred his vision. Cas stood there, definitely in his personal space, and looked at Dean with his creased brow and startling eyes. He was in one of Dean’s shirts and pajama pants, and Dean knew wouldn’t have imagined Cas in anything but the trench and white shirt. _Is It real?_ Cas held a slightly bloody towel, still poised to wipe Dean’s face. His gaze stopped jumping across Dean’s bruised face and stilled as he met Dean’s gaze.

                “Cas?” Dean whispered lowly.

                “Yes, Dean. It’s me.” Cas nodded slowly as he let the towel drop.

                Dean didn’t command his arms to throw themselves around Cas, but they did. He crushed the other man to him and hid his face against Cas’s neck. He could feel Cas’s steady pulse. “Cas?” He asked again, still not believing, even though Cas’s arms were holding Dean just as tightly and felt  _so real._

                “I’m okay, Dean.”

                Dean was sobbed out, but tears burned his eyes as he tightened his hold even more. “You- you died.”  _I never got to tell you. I never said it back._

                “I know. It wasn’t pleasant.” There was a brief pause before Cas’s hand slid up and down Dean’s back reassuringly. “I know though, Dean. I know you do.”

                Dean wasn’t sure what to think about Cas reading his mind. He didn’t care though. He adjusted his embrace but didn’t let Cas go.

                “I can’t read your mind, Dean.” Cas said in his gravelly voice as his hand stilled and clenched Dean’s shirt. It was a voice Dean had craved for the last, impossibly long, few days. “I can feel your pain, your yearning. I can hear your prayer.”

                “I- I-“Dean struggled. He shook his head.  _I need to say it. I need you._

                “I understand.” Cas said simply with a slight shrug. Dean wanted to laugh. He  _wanted to laugh._ _Cas leaned his head into Dean’s and Dean drew in a shuddering breath._

                “Jack?” He asked after a moment of soaking in the warmth of the body in his arms.

                “Yes. I appeared in his room and after talking a little he revealed he figured it out. He seemed excited, but he insisted I come see you. You weren’t in your room but I could feel you.” Cas paused and Dean pulled back enough to see him. “He can feel your pain as well and was worried.”

                His Cas was here. Alive. Dean kept one hand on Cas’s forearm, and the other on his shoulder. Cas didn’t let his grip on Dean’s shirt go and Dean found comfort in that.

                “Lucifer’s son is  _worried_  about me. That’s great.”

                Cas cracked a smile. A smile that the world only saw when Dean managed to pull one from him. A smile that needed to be seen more. He was alive.

                “Cas?” Dean asked as he moved his hand from Cas’s arm to cup his face. It was smooth, scruff free, and warm. Cas cocked his head a little before Dean spoke in a rough, sure voice. “I love you.”

                Cas’s smile widened, his cheek moving beneath Dean’s hand. “I know. I have known for quite a while. I love you as well, Dean.”

                 “Good.” Dean nodded. “That’s good.” He closed the distance between them again and hesitantly pressed his lips to the angel’s. Cas responded by chasing after Dean’s kiss and that was all Dean needed before he pulled Cas against him and held him tightly as their kiss deepened.   _Cas was alive._

               

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment!


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